


As Tribute

by ice_hot_13



Category: The Following
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 01:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paul has sacrificed a lot for Jacob.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Tribute

            Paul has made a lot of sacrifices.

He’s given up _so much,_ like he keeps hoping that eventually, someone will tell him _it’s okay, that’s enough;_ he keeps waiting to hit the point where he has nothing left to give. First went his dignity, embarrassingly quickly. That was gone the moment he first melted for Jacob, kissing him on command, and he wanted to be doing it hidden away, where no one could see the way he tensed up, hands almost trembling, jaw twitching as he tried to keep silent.

And with the next three years went his hope, because he was never so happy as when he was pretending to be Jacob’s, and that was how Paul knew there really was no hope for him, that he would never find someone he could feel this for, and so went his strength too, this crushing love for Jacob bringing him to his knees, this the only thing he can’t fight off. He’s wrecked for this, can’t ever get back up and try again with anyone else, because Jacob’s name is written _all over him,_ and he used to think that if Jacob ever claimed him intentionally, that would be it for Paul. And Jacob - Jacob _did,_ because Paul kissed him, daring and quick, and as he stared at Jacob and waited to find out what would be taken from him, Jacob kissed Paul, and it began the descent Paul will never rise from, and as Paul went down, he let go of his free will, the thing that would have let him walk away.

He was stupid to think that the end of their false marriage would mean the end of his pain - Paul has never given up anything he was happy to lose, after all. With their marriage went his stability, and the worst part of this will always be how aware he is of it all, _knowing_ he’s losing his mind over this. Trying to convince himself of anything never works when he’s in on the trick.

 _I like girls, I can do this,_ he tried to tell himself as he kissed the girl from the market, even as he couldn’t stop thinking _I’m just doing this to distance myself from Jacob,_ and when he’s duct-taping her to the chair in the kitchen, he’s telling himself this is so he won’t be the third wheel anymore, but he _knows_ it’s because he just wants Jacob to _look_ at him, to be unable to look away. Emma - Emma can do that without doing anything at all, and Paul is _screaming_ for Jacob’s attention, because there was a night three years ago that Paul said _I always wanted to be married,_ and Jacob looked at him for so long, Paul was afraid Jacob could see every secret he’d ever kept.

            “Does Emma know what a liar you are?” Paul spits, because Jacob is looking at Paul like he’s insane, and everyone does that, like Paul is volatile and unhinged and Paul is only like this because of _what they’ve done to him,_ and this is _not_ his fault. He’s been fucked over and torn up and after three years of almost having everything he wants, he’s left with _nothing,_ and somehow, no one ever paused to wonder if maybe Paul will be left with nothing for himself, if they take everything away from him.  
            And Jacob - he just looks at Paul and says “we promised we wouldn’t tell anyone - especially Emma,” because she is _always_ the most important thing, because it has _never_ been Paul. His self-worth never stood a chance.  
            _You kissed me,_ Paul wants to tell him, _you have to feel what that meant to me,_ but he says nothing, because sometimes, it feels like he gave up his voice, too.  
            “Look,” Jacob sighs out, “we can’t keep her here. I’ll help you take her into the basement, okay?” Jacob says, just like he said _I’ll take care of this,_ like Paul is something to be _dealt_ with. If Jacob ever truly took care, Paul wouldn’t be ever-discovering more things he has to lose.  
            “Fine,” he says. He feels something leave him - maybe it was something as trivial as his maturity, or maybe it was something much worse, because it feels a lot more like the last of his renewed hope - but he’s lost so much that he’s gotten kind of numb.  
            Paul has made that mistake before, thinking he’s beyond pain. He is _so wrong,_ because he tells Emma _Jacob has never killed anyone,_ and his pride is _ripped_ from him, and into his open, pleading hands is shoved more shame and guilt than he can carry. He wants to take it back, wants Emma to forget she heard this, because this is a secret Jacob has told no one and Paul _told Emma,_ he used it like a weapon and threw it at Emma so that she could hurt Jacob.  
            And that girl, when she escapes, Paul’s reservations go running into the night after her, because he loves Jacob without abandon, because Jacob - he couldn’t kill someone. He’s on a different level than Paul is, he’s _still okay,_ and Paul goes sprinting to find the girl not because he wants her to die but because he’s thrown away his morality in this muddy, dark chase - he wants Jacob to kill her so that there will be one way they are the same.  
            After the girl is left in the basement, Paul goes upstairs, to wash off all the mud and dirt, and he finds Emma. Emma - she has a tight hold on Paul’s shame, chips it away piece by piece, makes him more desperate and pathetic as the days wear away.  
            When she kisses him - _oh._ Paul has sacrificed a lot for Jacob, and he tells himself _what’s one more thing,_ but when he lets Emma kiss him, this is the final surrender of Paul’s shame, because he’s done everything he can to have Jacob to himself, and now, he will _beg_ for anything Jacob will give him.  
            They wait for Jacob together. The shower’s hot and so enclosed that Paul feels trapped, and it’s _torture,_ Emma right in front of him, the painting of what Jacob really wants, so much Paul’s opposite that it seems impossible one person could want them both.  
            The door opens. “I’m sorry,” Paul hears Jacob say, “About-” Emma pulls open the shower curtain, and Jacob stares, speechless. _Save me,_ Paul wants to plead senselessly, because he wants to be taken away, he wants to go back to those three years where he slept in the same bed as Jacob and could _pretend._  
            “We’re not giving up on you,” Emma says. Paul says nothing; no one had to give up on him, because no one ever had hope for him, and this, someone else’s hope, is an unfamiliar and terrifying animal to be caged with.

Emma reaches out a hand and Jacob comes to her, but then - then he looks at Paul, like he’s pleading for Paul to want to save him too. Paul holds onto Jacob tight, and he’s never felt so _ruined,_ because after years of being slowly torn apart, this is the day that Paul will have nothing left. Jacob presses his face against Paul’s neck and draws in a shaky breath, and Paul gives up his heart on this altar of his love for Jacob. Maybe this, maybe laying himself open for all the hurt he could possibly feel as tribute, maybe this will finally be enough.

            _I love you,_ he mouths silently against Jacob’s hair, and he can only wait now, because he has no hope left to pray with, no strength left to fight with, no defenses left to protect himself with, and he waits to find out if now, Jacob will love him back.  
  
  



End file.
